Chapter 7

I worked today, cuting and hauling wood. I did most of the loading and unloading, me and my
cousing, of the truck.
We had 10 well stocked truck beds of wood, 15 ric. from 9am to 6 or 7 at night. Thats a hard
job. All day long your moving, heh, you had better be or youll get more work than you can do.
My back had allready hurt the day before but now, its not feeling to well. I sun burnt my face
neck and arms and got three blisters. But I loved every minute of it. I had known this was
coming for a couple weeks.My unkle and my biological dad and my couisin, hardasses, i knew
it was going to be a serious job. For me it was. I took it very seriously, because i had time to
think about everything that might happen under different circumstances. My unkle hasnt really
put me to work, hard work, before and hasnt recieved any reason to really respect me. So i
decided that i would work until i cant stand. whatever it takes, whatever you want me to do,
however long you want me to do it ill do it. And i did. I feel very good, very proud that i finished
and gained the respect of an army Colonel.

I seen alot of family that i havent seen in a while, so that means catching up and talking. One
of the worst questions that you could ask me is “So what are you doing now?” I hate that
question, and had gotten asked it probobly 3 maybe four times today. I have nothing to say.
So i just say “nothing”.

I love it when its easy to fall asleep.

Chapter 6

Why does everyday have to end in such discust. By the end of the night i cant wait to go to bed.
To escape the depression and the shitty feelings that brew throughout. I guess in everything in
life it requires your absolute devotion to complete a major goal and be happy with the results.
Ive been giving attention to my issues for some time and i guess i havent gave it enough it needs.
Once again i thought, that i was giving everything to writings, my heart and soul, punishing
myself to produce more and better writings. I was wrong. You have to give it EVERYTHING.
nothing comes easy, you have to work to make a difference. It has to completely engulf you,
body and mind.

Ive heard that people that have lived a certain way for thier entire life they dont relize that what
you may be doing is abnormal or unhealthy. I guess now that i think about it, it isnt very strange.
I accept the notion completly but not sure if everyone agrees. The people with different cultures
dont think what they are doing is wrong, and who is to say that they are, its how things were
done and you accept that. But what if someone who has lived in one place thier entire life, live
among people who are living a somewhat shared lifestyle, can one emerge that has no
recolection or idea of how “it should be”? Anything goes and you just except that as life. This
is the way it has always been so how could i know a difference?

It shocks doctors to hear that someone could have depression every single day. I dont
understand that. i think depression, the depression in my life, shapes every single idea, thought
principal, everything. that is a part of my life, so it puzzles me to think that other people have
it different? Do they have it 5 days a week? 2 days a week? I grant it that the severety is not the
same day after day, sometimes it could be pretty mild and sometimes it is more than you think
you can bare. Do you believe the phrase God never throws anything at you that you cant
handle? I wonder. always do.

(1999)In My Eyes

In a sence of resentment, hoping to find a sort… of relief.
A chilling call of selfishness and grief.
I look to see at what i must face.
A spirit of joy and love no trace.

All alone with no hope at all.
I soon begin to see that it all will fall.
With my head down in shame i soon see.
I have lost everything that there ever will be for me.

This longing for hope will grow no stronger.
I look at myself and see i cant last any longer.
I must escape this tormenting pain.
I no longer care for any, i have no gain.

Waiting for the end to come i wait.
Hoping never again to feel this dreadfull hate.
But it all will end as all does to all.
And again, tommarow, I will once again fall.

Chapter 5
The toll of these questions are haunting me. Just the questions themselves. Overwhelming. Is
this a kind of wake-up call? Its hurts enough allready just thinking about it, then follows me in
my dreams. Pushing me and teasing me of something that is out of reach is killing me. Its very
hard to change almost everything youve learned the way you feel inside to actually make your
life better. And when it does it feels so alien you walk back into the darkness because your
heart races and you begin to shake. Just talking about it seriously is enough to make me feel
uneasy. Affraid of change, even if its for the better, and yet it is what i seek.

I have to take control of my mind. These flashes of evil images, im affriad, are getting stronger.
Its like a battle always fighting myself inside to do the right thing. Pulling myself back from
spacing out. These feelings arnt overnight. They are cultivated for many years and your mind
turns very slowly. So to turn it back will take the same amount of time. Kind of un-doing it all.
A state of mind takes over and thers is no thinking about anything and before you know it…

The rain is all you can hear and your eyes wont move
your mind fades to black and everything shuts down.
until you pull yourself back into this world
you live on another.

(1999)Hate
a loser to what her life has shown
seing no purpose, the only words to her groan
always a smile masks her face
voices crush her spirit and sorrow filled her days
opinions of none… her head in shame
feeling of seclusion, her heart recognized the pain
the one deprived, the feeling of gain
her feelings and craves covered
she laughs as her needs were smothered
apon a new light vengence marked the soul
darkness swallowed her mind and hate took its toll
crimson flesh throbing in hand’s of Smiles
a blade of pain and blood in the isles
enemies of pity met with she, fueled enigma
alone in her corner of the dark prison to her mind
left behind by love her purpose she must find
no more smiles and numb to the touch
the feeling of love she craved so much
the top of the sky she climbed so hard and found
to end with death when she finally hit the ground.

What do i have to do to make them take me seriously?
A fork in the road ahead, choose wisely, you can never go back.

When I was younger, I listened to these two songs very often.  Some family members had the CD’s (tapes at the time) and I couldn’t help but put them on repeat.  Someone just recently has become interested in hearing them, so I’ve provided them here.  For reference, John Anderson is a country singer.  Enjoy.

Seminole Wind

Straight Tequila Night

This is absolutely incredible. When I saw this, my jaw dropped and I smiled thinking of the possibilities. This could very well be the most important discovery of this decade. Props to Mr. John Kanzius and his work here. Watch this video and show everyone you know.

Chapter 4
Ive been doing good actually for the past couple days, after a horrible day. Waking up every day
with the realization that there really is nothing to get up for. That probobly sounds like a comment
that deserves “well get your ass out and stop being a chicken shit”. But is harder than that. Its
so much easier to say than to do of course. I call this “taking the plunge”. I go to my grandmothers
house every week to help her with her yard and things and have found it to be very refreshing. I
can remember not 5 months ago not stepping outside the door frame for 2 -3 weeks. I dont like
to get out alot. To many people even in a town of 10k, just going into wall-mart is a bitch. I
suppose i dont want to establish myself in society? My feelings toward that subject are very
stong. i have no confidence in humanity. The idea that the world is going to end in 50 years
influences my life dramaticly. I am allready planning on where i will go and what i will have to
do to survive.

I have a smile on my face right now, because these writings although very… punishing to myself
but at the same time can see what the problems are and can figure ways to correct them. That
is a big part of life and very valuable comodity to see inside yourself and condition yourself for
the better. Its kinda like if someone were to tell you every single problem, especially the ones
that sway your life, are thrown at you all at once.but the outcome over weighs the feelings when
i am writing this series.

Chapter 3
I was so fortunate to finally fall asleep last night. the depression was in full swing and bad thoughts
were cycling in my mind like a fierce tornado. Im not sure what the connection afflicting pain to the
body stiffles the pain in the mind, but for me it does. I now have a blister from a cigerette burn.
that help me forget, distract me from the anguish in my head. Now i have to hide them to….
not have to answer the questions that they dont know arnt thier bussiness. Something i will have
to live with for the rest of my life. and i know that. Does self harm automaticly establish yourself
in some sort of catagory, stereotype? And if so what is that label?

My philosophy on life is: life is a series of battles, a war. you fight many battles and you will
eventually be hurt. that is life. A feel like a soldier that can handle any battle that comes my
way but am so tired of fighting them… but i still do. A boxer that has had hundreds of fights and
just doesnt have it in him to fight anymore. Being bucked off the bronco and your only choice
once again is to get back up.

Like many other with my mind set are extremely pesimestic, so much it controls thier actions
and thier life. Afraid of change, afraid of happiness because they dont want the ground to fall
from under them once again, just when thier guard is down. A wall is built and is so high. I
perch from the ledge and people are as small as ants and i can only hear the wind. But thats
not the way i want it to be, i want to be open to someone, strong enough to be vulnerable. But
i cant and i dont know if i will ever be ready. This after a long time can plague a man/ woman.
the lack of intimacy, of love. Ive never allowed myself to get even close. But i think if i could have
one wish i wish i could have that. Someone to love and…. someone to love you back is….
undescribable. I have to break this wall down, open the doors, take a chance or i will be missing
out on one of the most special feelings someone can ever possess.

Many times i challenge God to give me his worst. Like im challenging him to push me into the
darkest and deepest hole one can fall into. To see if i can find a way out. And it seems to me
that im not doing a very good job. heh. look at me now. Why would i do this? challenge God?
i thought if i could take anything that he threw at me i would be some kind of general in his
army in the sky. But ive given up that notion. I beg for mercy. Its pushing me to a point that
i forget where i am. i honestly cant figure where i am. I know im in my apartment but i couldnt
find it on a map. Blocking years from my life. I just stopped remembering. And when it gets really
bad i slip into a state of constant unawarness, a coma. That isnt right man. Why do i deserve
that? Do i deserve that? To many questions.

I am attempting to learn guitar.  I have just recently been able to devote a decent amount of time to teaching myself.  My skills aren’t too impressive, but I am improving quickly.  I have taken up the practice of recording some of my practice sessions so that I may monitor the changes in my ability. 

These are the first decent sound quality recordings I’ve been able to achieve using my computer.  They’re improvised and unstructured, so in total they’re not a great listen if you’re expecting a “song” type piece.  When I sit down to practice, I often play for 10-15 minutes without stopping.  This is a recording of an eight minute section.  I had to break it up into two pieces in order to be able to upload it so each file is 3-4 MB in .wma format.  Any feedback is appreciated, but if there is a particular suggestion about any part, please let me know the time signature and file as well, so I may go back and listen. 

First Four Minutes

Second Four Minutes

The New – Chapter 1 (Rated Messed up – Enter at own risk)

I woke this day awaiting my chance
I drempt this day, my time, was finally at glance
To figure a way to fit a square into a circle
To take the plunge and create a miracle
Breaking outside the box is like breathing new air
It doesnt matter where you go the bad will follow everywhere
I cant pay the price the world demands
No matter how hard you fight you jusk keep sinking deeper in the sand.

The path to happy seems so long
but you can feel it, in your heart, that you’re doing right and not wrong

I know i say this alot but, i am trying. trying to reach this level that always just seems to high
to grab. I think i want to stay in the past. stay in a life that is familiar. i think that i am very
affraid of the unknown. to take the plunge. i dont know if im prepared to handle what that might
bring, good or bad. lately ive been thinking alot, have i been trying to long? is it about time for
me to make a move? is it about time for me to do something? it most likely is, but again seeing
outside the situation your in is very difficult. I look back at times and i didnt relize how bad it
was at the time, but now see that things were pretty messed up. is that the way it is now? I
never know.

but here lately i have a different mind set. those small things i would take
advantage of i am not now. like taking a quarter from the coin jar every day, it adds up. the
little things like asking for one more cig, asking for another bowl, loaning money with no intent
on paying them back. i dont want to do anymore. it was like…. chiping small pieces of my
soul, and now ive almost burnt most my bridges. ALMOST, so close…. to losing what means
the most in my life. i feel ashamed that ive lost………… the very roots of my being. what i was
all about. i feel like a con artist. taking every little thing, working people. i see that now, and
am trying to make it right. i thought i had it all under wraps, i thought i could get away with it,
and i never even knew that i was fucking up, and i was. ive lost more friends that i can remember.
fucking up. doing the wrong thing. And i would just blow it off, lose contact with them, disappear.
taking what i could and then leaving. i cant remember all the things ive done, who ive hurt, to
try and make it right. I just assume that who i have left i probobly have taken advantage of
and… they’re still here. i value those people the most im my life, more than anything. becasue
deep i am not that person. i dont want to be like this.

i comprimise everything, sacrifice all of it. because i dont know what im supposed to do. i
dont know if i am doing what i should be doing. I dont know if my life is different that the rest.
i dont know where i am in the world. I dont fucking know what i should have and when i ask
for to much. its like walking in the dark… im very lost and i dont know what to do. All i do
know is that there is to much wrong all around me, no matter where i go i can see the hurt
in people’s eyes, and i cant contribute to that no matter what i do. i will sacrifice my
comfort, for you to be comfortable. i will sacrifice my joy for you to be happy. i really dont
know what i should be doing, if even i should be doing that. I just know that i wont be part
of anyones unhappiness, if i can do anything about it. I would give my life for just one of my
loved ones to be happy for the rest of thier life. instantly.

im pretty confused. but again i am trying, to sort this out. and i feel that i am doing the right
thing, right now. i wrote this not expecting a reply, i dont expect one and would probobly
rather not have one, but i just wanted you to know.

Chapter 2
Ive felt lower than i have ever felt in my life in these past couple weeks. So lonely i can hardly
stand it. Im pushing alot of people away. The people that mean the most to me. Im doing things
to myself that i dont understand. This constant need to self medicate rules my world. Its so much
easier to run away and hide than to face this goliath of a demon i cant even see. I honestly cant
say i like the person ive become. An addict.

Im really sick. I hide my arm to conceal the scars ive made. Most of the people that read this
first ive thought about killing. I expect them to understand something that they can never
understand. It becomes an obsession to plan every second, every move, every action. What is
wrong with me? I feel so lost. A spirit floating in the winds.

I dont think i want to die but i think do i really want to live. When i take dozens and dozens of
pills in a few hours. What does this mean? Im so tired of being me. being alone, affraid, i feel
like i dont even exist. A ghost that just want someone to understand, just one person to…

Humanity in my eyes doesnt exist anymore. So many people hurting eachother, so many people.
What happened? If there is anything left please show me. I despretly need hope. People that i
thought were my friends betray me. I dont understand. I hate this. feeling like this. Im so
affraid that i wont let myself do what i need to do to be happy. I dont trust it. It just builds and
builds and i cant do anything about it.

Once loving temptation,
And forgotten elation,
Now extending creation,
For a long life’s duration,
And let the greed… slip… away.
Once time suspended,
And your ego defended,
Now all faith has been mended,
Hate for your brother has ended,
To the sky… lift your hands… today.