The New – Chapter 8
Posted by NyalicMay 17
Chapter 8
I feel like ive been living in a prison, these past 10 years. Thats half my life. In a prison that ive
made, tailor made, for myself. Built strong to hold me in. Walls made of stone that keep me
secluded from the world. I feel safe here, i know how to live here, i can survive here. But
sometimes you have to wonder what is outside these walls. Its what im affraid of the most.
The walls of this appartment keep me safe, and i feel that is all i need. Possesions, they feel
empty to me. I cant even imagine, even having a little money, going to a store and saying
“ide like that” and you buy it. So forein. “whats this life for?”.
I can imagine myself in a forest, miles away from anything civilized. Living a life i want to live.
I cant live among your concrete jungles, it changes a person. They lose touch of what they
were once all about. You become calased, to the feelings of those around you. I cant allow
myself to turn into that. Slowly the idea of more money becomes your ultimate goal. I dont
really have an income, at all. Besides of what is givin to me. Is that strange to you? How does
that make YOU feel. What questions would you have?
I dont think i want to learn to survive like you all do. It feels empty to me. I dont know why.
I just feel like i dont belong here. Those that know me best know where to find me.
4 comments
Comment by Nick on May 17, 2008 at 3:59 AM
I know and fell the pain. My smile covers the abyss of my emptiness. My prison is a mask. My family and friends always say, ” he’s a great guy” meaning me. Tonight, I went to a bar and met some old friends. I was introduced to a hottie. Let’s just say that even though I said all the right words and did the right moves, I felt like a liar. It was not me. I’m home now and I’m listening to a song that I have heard for many years. This song is from the 80′s but was redone relatively recent. Years are nothing to me. The song is Mad World by Michael Andrews. It was done originally by Tears for Fears in the 80′s. Michael Andrews sang it for the movie Donnie Darko. Listen to the song Nyalic. If I can’t upload it now, I’ll be sure to get you to hear it one way or the other. Listen to the words. When you listen to the words let me know what you think. Check the music section. I may be able to upload it there too. Remember the song, Mad World. Peace to you.
Comment by Nick on May 17, 2008 at 5:03 AM
Nyalic and friends, it’s one thing to sit in the abyss, like me or you, but anther to see loved one’s fall into it. I would rather trade places with them. I’ve lost three that mean so much to me, this week. Do you walk in the Shadow of Death, Nyalic? Is your your life grey? Even when the sun shines in a blue sky or the moon reflects in the darkness? Do you smell the grass when it’s cut? The smell of sap of wood when split? My friends spilled their blood. Shall I rejoice or cry a river of tears. Will I see them again ? Do they see me? Is my belief a delusion or does it matter what I believe? My heart is weighted down with regret and sorrow. Who will make my heart skip like a child skipping a stone across a pond?
Comment by Nyalic on May 17, 2008 at 2:13 PM
Nick, very meaningfull words you speak. I couldnt believe that you talk of a “mask”. Sometimes what you feel, you think that your the only one that could feel this way, this pain, and someone sais “mask”. Ive wore a mask for so many years i forgot what i looked like. Having pre thought questions, answers, responces to most situations to hide what you dont want anyone to find out. Im starting, i believe, to not wear this mask as much. Because i dont want to be fake, i would rather lose a social conflict and wear my heart of my sleeve, than play chess with words. Im tired of that. I was very good at it, very good, finding loop holes in peoples responces and throwing back in thier face. But now i dont care if you can see a little bit inside of me. Ide be HAPPY to share myself with someone, my experiences and my flaws, make myself vulnerable to your actions, because i want to feel again. Im tired of hiding. I will definatly check out the song Mad World Nick.
Ive related my life as if living in a hole, at the very bottom sharp and jagged rocks. I have to climb out of this hole and reach the sunshine, but if i climb to hard the light will blind me. I have to move slow or i will be scared away by all this…. strange happiness. But i can see the light and my eyes are adjusting. RIGHT NOW in these few months ive learned so much about myself that i truely think that i am the happiest ive ever been in my entire life. Im starting to find myself. My delima is is that im finding myself not where most of my friends put themselves. I will never be gone but i will be away. I have to follow my heart or i will fall back into my hole. But i will be happy, you can see my face with a smile on it “picture me rolling”. The storm is starting to pass, and the sun is starting to shine through the cloads. Nick you said something in your last comment that struck me. “Is my belief a delusion or does it matter what I believe?” I think that it does matter what you believe, i think it is the only thing that matters, even if you are wrong. I relate this to my belief in God, i believe in God with my heart and no one can convince me otherwise. If i am wrong then i dont want to be right.
Comment by Charles on April 12, 2009 at 9:46 AM
I’ve come back to read everything in our “Writings” section, which is currently partially archived and I could not help but stop here at this particular writing. I must comment. This conversation is the absolute epitome of what I have been searching for. This is pure understanding – thoughts passing back and forth and being comprehended as if the listener/reader WAS the author. Perfect. Thank you both for being open.