What just happened?

I didn’t mean to fall so hard

It wasn’t intentional

I didn’t mean to let you in so far

I don’t know that I could be caught from this fall.

Because, when you look at me

Everything else in this world disappears.

When you speak to me

My worries fade away, my regrets dissipate

And I know that you’re becoming my Everything.

But how can I keep this from going

Where I know that it is headed

When I don’t desire for it to slow down

Let alone be ended.

<><

March 2009

Once, I saw myself standing

Unafraid, nerves of steel.

Expressing all emotion through song

The gift of music, willing

Even lulling others into my world

Yearning, urging you, encouraging

For all to be in ultimate understanding.

On this platform, LIFE

Seeing through joy, feeling

Through hurt, growing through maturity, necessity

As though through no other way

I am existent

Now pending, my dreams of standing

Are changing, maybe evolving

As steps of living are tripped on

Fallen upon

And finally climbed.

<><

2007

Dear God,

What and where will my life lead?  What will my life ultimately even matter?  Is life just a test to challenge you, to see if you have the guts to prevail over evil stimuli?  I don’t know.  I feel that life is more important than to follow the path of the one in front of you.  To follow the path that will lead to success, but won’t have tested the full boundaries of human will.  What is it that I so search for to accomplish in my life.  Either my will is too important to waste following the average path, or it doesn’t mean anything at all.  I have an uncontrollable urge to see what is out there, to feel what can hurt a human soul the most, and to look pure evil straight in the eye, laugh and say, “You have no idea.”  I want to go to hell and come back.  I want to explain to those who have no idea what pain is, that there is another world out there that has been hiding from you all.  For me, my life is not the ultimate sacrifice, it is not to expose, not to trap the unknown of the human mind.  I want you to test me with the ultimate test of pain.  I want my life to mean something.  I don’t want to waste all that I have been through for nothing.  I don’t want everything that I’ve given up to mean nothing.

Is it really what you want of me?  Is this really what you want me to do?  Or, am I really just crazy?  Or, is it all just a riddle that will take me to the end of my to solve.  Is it love that you want me to feel, is it myself that you want me to overcome?  Do you want to see me break down, do you want me to just give it all up and cry?  What do you want me to sacrifice to show you how serious I am?  I can be your ultimate tool.  I can be anything you want me to be.  Just show me what you want me to do.

And when it is all over, are you just going to look at me and say, “You think too much.  All you ever had to do is what you wanted.”  But, I don’t know what I want.  All I know now is that something amazing has to come of all of this, something never, ever seen before, and I’ll to anything for it.  I’m just looking for someone or something to give all of this to.  I realize my selfish ways, sharing my pain, giving my thoughts to someone that I have to let go.  I just wanted him to understand and to not feel that he had to make everything right – to feel like he had fix everything.  What do you want from me?  It can all start now.

Love, Benjamin Lee Kiesov