The uncertainty has me terrified.
Eyes of the world keep me inadequate and scrutinized.
A place I don’t think I can survive.
I must make home where I am afraid and others don’t understand,
the more I try to help realize, the more I sink in the sand.
Setting camp on what is known as the Cursed Land.
My hands are reaching for the tools that every man must obtain,
But held back by the sickness that i cannot explain.
Doomed to a life, a place, from where i may not return.
Waving my arms but raises no concern.
A life of misery i have to live and learn.

All my plants are dead now, leaving a crimson shadow of ther once briliance.
My wilted, once beautiful, roses as dry as dust.
What is happening here…
Why wont the sun shine like it used to?
No clear light to feed them, no water to quinch thier dying thurst.
Everyone is gone.
In This Place visitors are the demonic ghosts of my dearest friends and the darkness thats never left unfelt.
Starving of an appetite i can never fill, Here, my thurst can never be satisfied.
Forever is Here, in This Place is Hell.

No one can come with me to where I must go. A place black as coal and cold as ice. To wrap my mind in anxiety and sorrow. And to leave this place full of stimulation and reaction. To a cocoon custom made for me. When the mind gets no better and no worse.

Sacrifice all happiness for no more pain. Sacrifice yourself to feel a little numb. Take on every worry and every sad thought. Remember every painful memory all at once. And slip away into the darkness where you can’t be seen. You can’t be seen and you can’t be touched. The world doesn’t exist and you choose not to acknowledge.

All the pain can’t match the joy I allow myself to feel. Stored all inside the actions I worshiped are killing me now. So different inside the show I portray out. The way my heart feels is the exact opposite to the face you remember. I’m hurting more than myself by feeling this way. So goodbye for now to a journey that begins far, far away.

~ May, 2007

Something tells me there’s something wrong in my life. When I have images of standing in blood with my favorite knife. When the sun never rises to offer a new day. With hidden thoughts that I dare not to say. When I wake up and I don’t care to rise from bed. Would the world worsen if I were dead?

Because I have nothing to share for ALL my pain. I have nothing to give to all those who depend on me. I reform to act out the thoughts that race through my brain. When I could swear I had wings to fly away with to be free.

I thought I could take any quest that came my way. Now my defense is so shattered, at any chance I run away. I say that my wall is too damn tall to climb. But demons influence evil through me all the time. Then again happiness doesn’t come from just who you may be. Take a chance, make a risk, you’ll find out, you will see.

~ Summer, 2007

I was going through my notebook and seen that this writing is a year old almost to the day of which i was reading. I like to date a lot of my things, drawings and the such, any kind of art to see how much i progress.

Valentines 2009
“For some time ive felt something inside of me, something that we all may feel. The true road to being happy and the road to peach within myself. I’ve been searching and searching for this … and have come close to figuring what i must do.
It doesn’t suprise me that it scares me, as most people’s destiny is not easy to obtain. But its definetly something i must do. I feel it in my heart, and it yearns everyday i put it off. For so long Ive been not happy in my soul and have tried over and over to manover my way around it but there is only one path that will take me where i belong and am seeking the guts to start my travels. I feel im very close to starting this trek and am preparing myself mentally for the inevitable road i must face. I feel that i at least know where i must begin, because i think that a lot of people live thier lives through, searching and searching and never finding their way. That is why I must do this, I will regret it for the rest of my life and never obtain the happiness i can only see in my dreams.”

Feb. 13 2010
When I look back apon this I see that I had already started my travels way before I wrote this. This road is a very long one that I think I started a few years before I wrote that. When I lived in Mt. Vernon I let go, and let the chips fall where they may. The way I am today has roots that begins there. Everything seemed harder. It seemed that for every good thing 10 bad things HAD to happen, it was just the way it all worked. You start to search for the bad things in life. This is what my personal Hell is. You’re constantly falling and you don’t know it. You’re dead and you don’t know it. “The real Hell is your life gone wrong.” My way of thinking was very twisted, and needed help to see where I was and learn how to help myself crawl out of the cave I lived in. Easily one of the most important lessons of my life is to see outside myself, to look in, and see the problems that I exibit and and try to change them or live peacefully among them. Living in peace is everything for me, everything else is secondary.

Its time to enjoy, embark in the new,
with actions of love and craze.
No thoughts to second guess what we do,
of loving life in these days.

Pushing away the vibes that hold us down,
free your hands and let grow,
to witness the beauty that’s all around,
and let it through you forever flow.

Nyalic

Afraid

What do you think when youre alone in the dark
of no more sunny days and picnics in in the park?
I can feel you fading, into the hole where i used to be
I didnt do enough when the signs I could see
I know where youre going and its going to hurt
It scares me to think where you are and how youll feel
You arent there anymore, you eyes are empty
Your mind is black and you might not be back
Every thought is up to you.
You will choose to live or die,
in the coldest and blackest place in your mind
You will be challenged in every way
You will have to fight every single day
Im so sorry that i cant be there with you
Im so sorry that you have to feel the hell that you do
Please fight i promise it will get better
Please dont give up

Dear God,

What and where will my life lead?  What will my life ultimately even matter?  Is life just a test to challenge you, to see if you have the guts to prevail over evil stimuli?  I don’t know.  I feel that life is more important than to follow the path of the one in front of you.  To follow the path that will lead to success, but won’t have tested the full boundaries of human will.  What is it that I so search for to accomplish in my life.  Either my will is too important to waste following the average path, or it doesn’t mean anything at all.  I have an uncontrollable urge to see what is out there, to feel what can hurt a human soul the most, and to look pure evil straight in the eye, laugh and say, “You have no idea.”  I want to go to hell and come back.  I want to explain to those who have no idea what pain is, that there is another world out there that has been hiding from you all.  For me, my life is not the ultimate sacrifice, it is not to expose, not to trap the unknown of the human mind.  I want you to test me with the ultimate test of pain.  I want my life to mean something.  I don’t want to waste all that I have been through for nothing.  I don’t want everything that I’ve given up to mean nothing.

Is it really what you want of me?  Is this really what you want me to do?  Or, am I really just crazy?  Or, is it all just a riddle that will take me to the end of my to solve.  Is it love that you want me to feel, is it myself that you want me to overcome?  Do you want to see me break down, do you want me to just give it all up and cry?  What do you want me to sacrifice to show you how serious I am?  I can be your ultimate tool.  I can be anything you want me to be.  Just show me what you want me to do.

And when it is all over, are you just going to look at me and say, “You think too much.  All you ever had to do is what you wanted.”  But, I don’t know what I want.  All I know now is that something amazing has to come of all of this, something never, ever seen before, and I’ll to anything for it.  I’m just looking for someone or something to give all of this to.  I realize my selfish ways, sharing my pain, giving my thoughts to someone that I have to let go.  I just wanted him to understand and to not feel that he had to make everything right – to feel like he had fix everything.  What do you want from me?  It can all start now.

Love, Benjamin Lee Kiesov

Its been awhile since ive been able to actually write in person on the site. I miss it and glad to see that people are really active. Ive still been writing slowly but have no internet access. I am trying to piece together a longer than average writing for my style. I am really pleased with it so far and have exciting (for me) plans for it. I dont have a tittle for it yet, still searching.

The midnight mist brings here the bagpipe’s song
among many to guide the light to an always returning sun
lonely, black, dark, and cold doesnt bring the same meaning now
not used cautiously and casually spoken
not given they full respect they deserve
Those to indulge their pain, those who find themselves in the shadow of darkness make way to the great lakes of fire, teased and tormented by the memory of love only found in the arms of angels.

The somber songs follows until your new soul is born. Here the strong wind, a broken record, always with you to remind of the Hell that consumes your heart and the peace thats never been found. The Wind, here the Wind is the only you can trust. The Wind will tell you where you are and where you could be and where your not.
“Great and powerful wind can you show me what its like? The soft touch of love. Bring me a dream of love that has no end. Tease me of what ive never had. Torment me with the dream i fight so hard to gain.”

Her name was Sarah. Its always “Sarah”. Clenching my hand, it feels as if a dark room is lit up for the first time. The feeling of warmth is always with me but the details seem to fade away Here. Not like they used to. The Wind, my blessing and my curse, the bringer of light and darkness.

what isn’t right

what isn’t real

how should i act

how should i feel

when should i be mad

when should i be sad

where should i run

where has the sun gone

where should i bleed

when should i smile

what do i need

if only for awhile

when do i cry

and when do i not

what is a good

and what is a bad thought

what is right and

what is wrong

trying to make sense

for far too long

when do i go

when do i stay

where is God

and what do i say

how do i feel

it doesn’t matter anyway

when do i take

when do i give

when do i die

when do i live

what should i do

to learn something new.

In my quest I’ve seen things no one should – way too many bad days than are good.

(Sometimes when you lose, you win.)