Author Archive

My Five Horizons

That kid who walks down the hall,

Seems to be alright there beside the wall.

The kid who likes to be his own,

But his heart inside begins to moan.

His real dad ran in his need,

Didn’t care if his son wasn’t freed.

His mom’s three suicide threats kill him inside,

And now every night he wonders if she lied.

All his feelings he begins to hide,

No show of his step-dad’s suicide.

Don’t care what other people think,

Slowly he starts to sink.

Is there one who will really know,

That the heart is the real one to show.

This one he’ll care to eternity all,

But he thinks and begins to fall.

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be,

The one alone, that one is he.

Always forgotten he wishes to remain,

In the mind he states insane.

It will all end as all does to all,

To this kid beside the wall.

But the welcome of pain he will soon greet,

As the two finally meet.

Maybe now that he has the one,

He might finally know what is fun.

But the ones who think of him strange,

His life he will remain in a cage.

Laughed at, the pain is greeted,

His mind will soon be defeated.

But he knows it doesn’t matter,

As they will all pay as he gets crazier.

Of the thought a smile distorts his face,

To of what revenge will taste.

Her – 1999

This is the first writing i had ever done. I had an assignment for an english class to write a “poem” and decided to take it seriously. I was a freshman and young so the writing might be a little corny but im sure each of us has felt this at some point in their life and nothing is a joke if you appreciate the feelings of another person. Hope you like….

Her – 1999

When i first saw her it felt as if i were struck by lightening. From that point on i strived to become the person she wanted to be around. On days I’ve sen her talking to her friends and wished i were that person i seen her talk to. I seen her listen…. i seen her laugh.

She changed what i do, she changed what i say, she changed my life. For that I’ve seen what I’ve done with my life and laugh. She changed my life to what i wish it to be. She seems to be good to be true.

When she talks to me, even for a minute my whole days turns to be good. if only she knew who i am inside for that i know we would be friends for life. Isn’t that why we were put on this Earth? to love and be loved?

You could say it was a goal to have a person like her. I will keep trying and trying until my goal is reached in its best was possible. my love for her is like the endless stars in the sky.

Ben Kiesov
to ASHTOM

The Cursed Land – part 2

The cursed land – part 2

its better to feel pain though rather than nothing at all
than be locked in an endless free-fall
I wish i could stay where it doesnt always hurt
and feel the love and brotherhood like at a Rockfest concert :)

But you dont always get what you want
when you think your weak your really commanding the front
Things are not always the way you think
when you believe your invisible heads turn to hear you speak
Different things make the sky blue
making small steps is better than not having a clue
to the ultimate goal, your dream, to come true
you have to fight, you HAVE to remember to do what you have to do

The Cursed Land

Does God have me in his hand
when i land back in the sinking sand
counting the hours, all i think is how to get high
then crashing down like i were shot from the sky
Everyone hurts when im in the cloads
i break the promise that i have more than once vowed
The fog keeps me blind from the black cloads above
and numb to the ones who try to share thier love
So selfish i pray for the Lord to take me away
I dont have the guts to slide the blade the right way to end my stay

All these scars that have destracted pain from my soul and in my heart
that takes me away from the anger and saddness that is tearing me apart
the blade my friend, the bringer of relief
that only a small percentege of people could really ever understand
I wish i could explain to you the way it works on the cursed land

Eating Anti Depressants

I dont know what it is with me. One day i feel on top of the world, nothing could be better. The next i wake up to gagging and continue all day long. I try to stifle it, but if i half way throw up it doesnt seem as bad for awhile. I always want to get fucked up (I know im exposing myself) and seem seriously depressed and i dont know why. Thats what is bothering me the most, that i cant find the reason why this is all happening. I may be blocking something i dont want to deal with? But what? Even when i take something to calm me down i get a headache and the gagging gets worse. I find myself with me head in my hands again. And i dont know why….. I havent been able to sleep in the past coulple days, I stay up and watch movies and hope to drift into sleep. My meds have been comprimised once again. My doctor doesnt practice at the same place and has been hard to find where he is to prescribe my meds and am running out of everything. I have allready ran out of one anti-depressant and one sleeping aid. Thats probobly what my problem is. I have one more anti depressant and one more mood stablalizer and seem to have doubled my dose to try and curve my mood. But it doesnt work. It took me two years to find the right cocktail of medicines that work for me, having these pills pushed on me that make me throw up 2 hours later. That really pisses me off. And i finally found it! And theyre going to try and fuck me again. FUCK! If i cant get what im dependent on as far as my meds, my life… will spiral down to a Hell…. that makes it impossible to breath. Im so sick of this i dont want to go there again. Its so cold alone, you find yourself just wandering in the darkness…. You protect your hope under a cloak, a ball of light, to make sure that no one tries to steal your chance.

Its been some time

its been some time since ive written on the site, and i ask myself why. The first thing that comes up is that my life has improved dramaticly in the past while and i have nothing much to bitch and complain about. I would say that 95% of my writings through out the years have been nothing but negative, maybe trying to seek pity or compation. And alot of time when i do get it, when they do hear what i have to say then they become different towards me that when they didnt know anything. People start to become affraid of me for some reason, and have lost alot of friends because of it. Its one thing to dump it all out on a person you really dont know and completly different if you can live in the now and apply what youve learned for the future. “what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger”

But i am so paranoid about slipping and falling back to where i was. Now that i know how fulfilling life can be if i had to go back it would be even worse than before. Its like riding first class, after youve riden first class you really dont want to go back to coach. And that has become one of the most single important thing that i have to protect. I kind of think of it like the indians they would fight for thier way of life and i sure as hell will too.

I so love to help people, especially the people that i can see have gone through similiar circumstances that i have. I believe that i can… guide them through the jungle through a more easier path to trek. I find it very rewarding, the smile on thier face or the look in thier eyes just fills my heart with happiness. But sometimes it can be a little to much to handle, all these lost souls seem to attract to me and i relize that im saying mostly the same thing to most of them. I dont think that is good. Dont get me wrong i do listen, i listen VERY hard to people if they want to tell me something that just eats them up inside, like a person to cry on. That doesnt bother me its just SO many people living in such hurt it breaks my heart, it really breaks my heart. i just want to shake them, shake them so hard they dont know where they are anymore and a light comes on in thier head telling them they dont have to live like this. Peace. According to the bible worrying is a sin because you dont believe that God will guide you through the darkness. Thats a hard thing to… live by, but is true. Im not preaching i just want so many people that I CAN SEE having hurtfull lives to smile and say im worth it.

This past time in KC ive learned alot about alot of people. Thier actions speak volumes about the way they are and the way they think and do acordingly. Its allright to blow people off when they try to take you down a notch for what ever fucked up reason they think they have to do that. its allright to be wrong sometimes, its allright to ask for help. Everyone needs it sometimes and your a fool if you think otherwise.

The main thing im trying to say is that i wish i could give alittle of myself to these people to help them to see what they cant see just yet. To help. Im not going to mention any names, but when i see them next im going to have a smile from ear to ear. :) :):):)

This is Charles Kiesov, i have created a profile but still exist to account for one which is my own fault. Due to the fact i was to comprehensive to the fact that i didn’t care enough, or the fact that the information wasn’t given to me. I am Nyalic’s brother….in which i will stand side by side to any force that comes our way, to which any evil steps before us……because we are stronger then any obstacle that can overcome our heart.

I am destined to be the the best professional NL/. tournament player….this is a hard obstacle to overcome…but it is my life….what i feel i need to do…what i feel in my heart i need to do. “All men die, not all men really live”-Braveheart-…..in my word’s….”all Men try to live, all Men try to make it, all Men try to be there best,……but in the end…..the strongest MEN,,…hold there hand up high…and say this is why i live.

God created us for a reason, to do our own, to make what we are.
he doesn’t give any explanation, nor no reason…..just the way he acts.
I believe, in my heart….there is evil in this world we live in, obstacles the devil will ALWAY’s give us. You might think the LORD is laying back, taking it easy…..(laughing)…but in reality…he has already given enough power to you to overcome anything that comes your way. Ask for help, there he is…lift up a rock and i am there. Cut a piece of wood and u will find me….for i am the LORD…and for always i will be with you. AMEN……. Brother’s and Sister’s…for this world we live in, we take for granted, God watches us and studies the things we have accomplished.

The reason i am trying to explain……look in your heart, look in your eyes…and believe in what u see

The New – Chapter 9

Chapter 9
I feel the rain starting to approach. It always come when you dont expect it, and when you
believe that it finally may pass. The ground will begin to shake, spliting the earth benith you
feet. And you will fall. This is how it will happen every single time. You just have to prepare
as much as you can when the sun is out.

Im wondering now about all these things ive learned in the past several months. It is the idea
that im beings built up to only being knocked back down. C’est la vie? I hope not. This idea
depresses me and makes me stagnant. And once again im faced with the question that ive
never been able to answer.

This hurts my heart and crushes my spirit. Why does this happen? Am i blind or do i see to
much? Im tired of this feeling. When you try to let go, the poison will turn your mind to black.
I feel a strange but familiar feeling coming over me. That staring at the patterns on the wall
feeling. Numb. This is today, im affraid.

Dark Side Of The Soul (2001)
In an endless bliss of confusion and grief
Voices bicker i cant find my relief
A dizzy haze overwhelms my sight
I lower my chin and gather my fright
These voices these sounds that chill my skin
A blast of insanity i raise my grin
STOP TALKIN STOP TALKING i shout with rage
All goes dark and i wake in a cage
Strapped to a board i find myself
And a man to question my mental health
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU i say in my mind
His mouth begins to chater and my teeth begin to grind
Take me away my angel of light
Take me away protect me through the night
But in my mind i know you arnt there
Even to my angel im just a scare
The pity i can prove that sets me off
I could cut her throat and shake it off
Were not friends not anymore
A smile only left and revenge in store
Look in my eyes and youll see the sad
Thoughts forced a smile from the frown i had
So angry i quiver so mad i shake
Lets bottle this misery and see what i make
I HATE THIS I HATE THIS i want to scream
To the top of my lungs to show what i mean
“i cant cry” im allready dead
“take me away” as i hang my head
Empty empty is the heart of mine
Only God can help me save me this time
Im tired of living this life of pain
I torture myself to grow insane
I cant love and think to much
I gind my teeth and numb to the touch
Because its love that makes the heart feel
And im empty inside cold as steel
Love care and feeling i always run
Thinking back so much pain it makes me numb
Will not reveal will not share
Life is shitty and love isnt fair
So no more pity and not more light
As i take on my mind in an endless fight
My future is grim i can see
Thats what i choose thats for me
You now see me for what i really am
To the love you offered and still i ran
All alone and torturing another soul
The sin of all sins has taken its toll
The tears that are bottled masking the pain
To the love of that person her only gain
“whats so wrong with me” she sais in screams
But her mouth stays shut and lives it in her dreams
“suck it up be a man” he sais
“and allow to love like the good Lord sais”
Or forever you mind will prevent all love
A feeling youve never felt it had to of come from above
“im sorry im sorry” but this is just me
thats my life its what i choose its for me
Then the feeling of love will never overcome your soul
That pity in your heart will grow to an endless hole
“your right your right the insane man will go”
ill be back after she sais no

The New – Chapter 8

Chapter 8
I feel like ive been living in a prison, these past 10 years. Thats half my life. In a prison that ive
made, tailor made, for myself. Built strong to hold me in. Walls made of stone that keep me
secluded from the world. I feel safe here, i know how to live here, i can survive here. But
sometimes you have to wonder what is outside these walls. Its what im affraid of the most.
The walls of this appartment keep me safe, and i feel that is all i need. Possesions, they feel
empty to me. I cant even imagine, even having a little money, going to a store and saying
“ide like that” and you buy it. So forein. “whats this life for?”.

I can imagine myself in a forest, miles away from anything civilized. Living a life i want to live.
I cant live among your concrete jungles, it changes a person. They lose touch of what they
were once all about. You become calased, to the feelings of those around you. I cant allow
myself to turn into that. Slowly the idea of more money becomes your ultimate goal. I dont
really have an income, at all. Besides of what is givin to me. Is that strange to you? How does
that make YOU feel. What questions would you have?

I dont think i want to learn to survive like you all do. It feels empty to me. I dont know why.
I just feel like i dont belong here. Those that know me best know where to find me.

United We Stand

Ben, I believe this is the photo you have been attempting to upload. There is white space attached to the image above it and also to the right, so it made it difficult to see the resizing box because the image was inserted into the post so large. Let me know if you have anymore questions, or if you want me to do anything else with the image :)